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Esse Quam Videri
To Be, Rather Than to Appear

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2/8/2019 Comments

Why I’m Not a Christian Anymore: A Response

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"I believe, if god is who god claims to be, there isn’t going to be a judgement day--just a day of welcoming. A day where god holds each of us in god’s arms and cries with us--tears of joy, tears of sadness, and tears for the coming love story."
In the month or two since I posted about my (lack of) Christian faith I’ve received a lot of responses.

  • Responses of support and understanding
  • Responses of concern and frustration
  • Stories of personal journeys to find Christ
  • Long (and loving) conversations with my Grandmother over what we both believe
  • I’ve been sent articles and undergrad papers
  • Responses by from those who agree with everything I said EXCEPT my conclusion
  • I’ve talked and listened and learned and slowly clarified my position further

I’ve done ALL of this among people who love me, and that makes me smile. Because from the first day I posted on this subject until now, it’s all been about love. Isn’t that what faith is supposed to be all about?

These conversations have also led me to want to clarify some parts of my belief system that I sense weren't clear in Part 1:
  1. I hope it’s all true: The whole story, god, Jesus, their love for humankind. I hope it’s all true. I hope heaven exists and that I end up there with all of you: You’ll find I never said otherwise. I just think there is goodness and value in humankind outside the story of god and jesus, and that good work is worth it even if the whole story isn't true.

  2. I don’t believe what we do on this earth matters in the pursuit of heaven: Call me a universalist, but I believe, if god is who god claims to be, there isn’t going to be a judgement day--just a day of welcoming. A day where god holds each of us in god’s arms and cries with us--tears of joy, tears of sadness, and tears for the coming love story.

  3. I believe what we do on this earth still matters, even if it doesn’t impact an afterlife: Why? Because I believe love is worth it. I believe caring for each other is worth it. I believe, even if we are simply dust to dust with nothing coming after earth, that having a positive impact on this world is worth the blood, sweat, and tears.

  4. I believe the concept of original sin and the bloody need for the cross has been one of the most dangerous concepts the church has ever created: The idea that god required blood and violence for our salvation has had a brutal impact on humankind. Violence is a human trait, a human creation, not one of god. I believe it is us, humanity, who couldn’t stand the goodness of Jesus and had to murder him. Not an angry, violent god who required his death for our imperfection. For centuries we’ve blamed our bloody mess on god, and it’s time for it to stop. It was our murder, not god’s, and it’s time to own up to it.

  5. I also believe we’re ALL GOOD: Even as we’re capable of great evil, I believe there is overwhelming goodness within us all--right down to our core. Goodness placed there by a loving god. Why do I believe this? Because, if we are the image of god, how could we be bad? If I’m being honest, I believe we’ve been told we’re bad not because we are bad, but because it kept us in line. I’m tired of that story. You are good, now choose for yourself whether or not it was a god who put this goodness within you.

  6. I believe the Bible is a nice story, an ugly story, and a story written by a bunch of old white men: It’s theology. Not the word of god, and we could do more to positively impact the world by stopping the ridiculous, literal reading of the Bible than just about anything else in Christendom. Homosexuality is not an abomination. Slavery is NOT acceptable in any form. And women shouldn’t be subservient. Those were cultural mores, NOT THE WORD OF GOD.

  7. Side note: I don’t understand how someone can be a Christian and a Republican, especially considering the current President. What could be more opposite from Jesus than fiscal conservatism, trying to take away health insurance from the poor, and trying to build a wall to keep out the wretched and downtrodden? Aren’t those things the exact opposite of what Jesus suggested?

I have more points, but I’ll leave it there for today.

The last thing I’ll mention is I’ve had a lot of friends say they acknowledge what is wrong with the Christian church, but still feel it’s important to be a part of it.

I think that’s fine. I don’t expect everyone to walk away from their faith. It was a painful, complex decision for me, and one I believe has to be extremely personal.

What I will say is this: if you can acknowledge what is wrong with the church, what will you do to change it? Those within the church know better than anyone what isn’t right, so do something about it. Have a big impact.

Because that’s what this world and the kingdom of god (may it exist) need most: people who are trying to having an impact. One day, one heart, one person at a time.

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11/16/2018 Comments

Why I Am No Longer a christian

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"I made a promise to myself that I would not consider enjoyment a sin. I take a pleasure in inquiring into things. I've never been content to pass a stone without looking under it. And it is a black disappointment to me that I can never see the far side of the moon."
-John Steinbeck, East of Eden
Let me start by saying I hope someday when I am at death's door I will discover there is a god. I also hope I will find god to be far bigger, far more caring, and far more understanding then we often give god credit for in this world.

But I’m not a Christian anymore.

On some level I’m not sure I ever was. I went to church, Sunday school, and youth group at times, but my heart was never in it. I always sensed god and spirituality more in the outdoors--among mountains and beaches and green grass.

I can’t say the same about monuments built to our religion, sanctuaries where trauma and pain are covered over like a casket in the ground, and certainly not among broken theology.

As some of you know, in grad school I studied Christian theology as part of my counseling-psychology degree. I learned new words, theologies built on the hope of liberation, and an understanding of god that led me to question all I’d ever learned.

It changed me. In spite of what my Sitty wishes (she no doubt worries for my immortal soul) I am not, nor am I likely to ever be again, a Christian.

Here are a few of the reasons why:

  1. For centuries Christianity has been used to subjugate women, to espouse paternalism and misogynist belief, and to keep women in a place of powerlessness. The same can be said of people of color, people of other sexualities, and really anyone considered “different”.
  2. Similar to #1, the idea that god is a male (and often depicted as white) is one of the most unfortunate theological concepts the church has ever created. How can we tell women, or anyone who isn’t a white male, they were created in the image of god when they look nothing like the images we’ve created? I’ve seen women cry as they realized what this vision of god had done to their self worth--that maybe god was more like them then they realized. god is bigger than our images of god. And if god is all of us, then god must truly be all of us.
  3. I am disgusted by churches who build monuments to themselves, wasting millions of dollars on brick and mortar and paint when so many go hungry and un-housed. I’ll be damned if I ever worship in another church built on money that could have been used for the hopeless and downtrodden.
  4. I no longer believe in a god that depends on my undying loyalty and faith in order to love me. That’s the greatest lesson of my time in grad school--that, be there a god, I believe god will love me no matter what my life on earth looks like. I believe the god of this earth loves us unconditionally and that includes those who don’t believe, don’t want to believe, and have chosen not to believe. It’s churches and their budgets that depend on our faith--not god.

The biggest change, however, came when I realized how much I love people. It happened during my time as an intern at Recovery Cafe in Seattle. I spent that year working with the most downtrodden--the addicts and murderers, abusers and abused, and those classified as “insane”.

I fell in love with those people. I came to feel at home among those our world seems to despise. I became, in my own way, one of them. That’s when I realized love was worth it just for the sake of love. Caring for others was good whether there is a god with some glorious holy land or not.

My grandfather used to tell me heaven was loving others. That it wasn't some far off place of perfection, but right here on earth among us. I thought he was crazy. I don't think so anymore.

It's not religion, not Christianity, and not a book we need. It's only love that will save us. For today and for always.
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